You’re not entirely sure what’s come over you, but you’ve decided to throw a fancy dinner party, even if it’s just for you and your dog. There are so many things you need to prep - crafting place cards out of printer paper, making a playlist of songs as sophisticated as smooth jazz without actually having to listen to smooth jazz, and trying to remember if any of your friends are classy enough to own a bidet. But when it comes to the food, you’ve got nothing to worry about - just let the high-class queens of NY society be your guide.
If You’re A Bethenny…
Listen, you may not have been born into a lavish lifestyle, but guess what? You have worked your way to the top and now you are an essential at every cocktail party, much like a pig in a blanket. You may be little, but if anyone tries you, you will snap. Sure, you may not be as posh as your peers, but you tell it like it is and are authentically you, and people wouldn’t want it any other way. Also, you love a good weenie joke.
If You’re A Luann…
You’re a jet-setter. You randomly have an accent on certain words. And the last thing you would ever want to be is uncool. Your life is a cabaret, so why not choose a dish that rhymes - a canapé? Although you have a big head (both figuratively and literally), you wear many hats, from being a countess to a criminal. Coming in different shapes, tastes, and sizes, canapés are just as versatile as you.
If You’re A Leah…
Honey - you’re a downtown bitch. You’re ready to show your Upper East Side peers how to throw a party sans stuffiness. It’s a given your event will be filled with a random assortment of super cool people in glorified pajamas, so your menu item needs to be something that’s just as ironically casual - a chicken wing. You also may or may not have a pair of matching “wings” tattooed somewhere private on your body. C’mon, you’re in sweats, who cares if you stain them with barbecue sauce?
If You’re A Ramona...
There are two very distinct sides to you, much like a spinach puff. On the one hand, you love your 50 “close” girlfriends, shed crocodile tears, and are a big softie - you’re like an emotional puff pastry. However, you have a tendency to lash out, which reveals your bitter and green-with-envy interior. You apologize and regret your words A LOT, much like how one regrets not checking their teeth in the mirror for any stray spinach leaves.
If You’re A Tinsley…
You have two requirements for any piece of food you put in your mouth - it has to be something a princess would eat, and it falls under the category of being “cute.” Fancy and expensive for absolutely no reason, you would serve truffled quail egg toast. These sickeningly adorable croutons are small enough that your miniature dogs (even the one on ice) won’t choke if they accidentally eat one. Just make sure you are able to get through the evening without being brought to tears by the word “egg” (considering your frozen spawn).
If You’re A Dorinda…
You LOVE to stir the pot. So what’s more appropriate than a potsticker? Okay, so you may be a bit of a meddler, but you are everyone’s go-to because you’re a crowd pleaser who always makes it nice. You tend to talk a lot with your hands (CLIP, anyone?) so do be careful that you don’t start flinging filling all over Blue Stone Manor.
If You’re A Sonja...
Your passion in life is sex, so why not serve something that matches your favorite hobby? Go with a stuffed mushroom, a dish that will allow you to repeat the same innuendo-laden joke for the entire night. That is, if you can find the time to fit the joke in between conversations about smokey eyes, up-dos, and Gstaad. Bonus? This is something that would be easy enough to make in a toaster oven. Now, if only you could get it on the market.
If You’re A Jill...
You are EVERYWHERE. No one knows how you do it, but for some reason, whether it’s a launch party for bedazzled jeggings or a charity event for chihuahuas with eczema, you’re there. And you know what? No one questions it, much like how a deviled egg happens to be a staple at every single event. Added touch? A dusting of paprika to match your fiery red locks.
If You’re A Kelly...
You’re sexy. You’re also someone who likes to go on runs in the middle of NYC traffic. Some may say you’re a risk taker. Others will say you’re crazy. Your life’s mission is to attend any and all parties that could further your social status. Another sexy, crazy risk that shows up at every high-society party? Eating raw fish, like tuna tartare. And no, jelly beans are not an hors d’oeuvres.
If You’re An Alex…
You’re someone who loves to have people think that you are fancy. You love fashion, and constantly spew out which labels you have in your closet. Speaking of closets, you may need to take a closer look at your significant other. When you get upset, your whole body and face turn bright red, much like bruschetta. You talk a big game - you would say you’re a bed of freshly-harvested heirlooms atop a sourdough crostini, but maybe you’re just chopped tomatoes on top of a cracker.
If You’re A Carole…
You’re a follower, not a leader, and find you’re most comfortable in a duo. You’re usually sweet, but if a certain Cheeto-like president is brought up in conversation, you will be quite salty. You’re sophisticated, mysterious - you need a dish with a name to match. That’s why you should serve A Devil on Horseback, or the duo (!) of hot dates wrapped in bacon. Also, you love junk food, and what’s more junk food than bacon?
If You’re An Aviva...
You insist that there’s nothing fake or imitation about you. You love to make a splash, and you’d be the type to go down in reality TV history for slamming your prosthetic leg onto a dinner table. It’s a given that your hors d’oeuvres should be crab legs. You yourself are a giant, whiny crab - you need to bring your husband on a girls-only trip to face your fear of small planes, and you believe that the smoky NYC air is better for your “asthma” than a wide, open field in the middle of Montana.
If You’re A Heather...
Mama, you really, really love caviar. Like, have been shown on multiple occasions talking about your love of caviar. Serve a blini, end of story. Not only will you be wearing something Yummy, you’ll be eating something yummy too. HOLLLLLLAAAA!
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