Trust me, you know a Sadboi Hipster Cinephile (SHC). They studied something in the humanities but did NOT study film, claiming they’ve already seen the equivalent of a film education. Their uniform is black jeans, a carabiner clip for their keys, a button down, and Converse, Docs, or Common Projects. They call Paul Thomas Anderson “PTA” yet say all three parts of Lars Von Trier’s name. The next time you match with a non-conventionally attractive guy who's somehow still able to rock a moustache and has the body of a young Nicole Kidman, don’t waste your breath asking what his favorite movies are. Just watch the following films instead.
WEEK 1: The Big Lebowski (1998), The Coen Brothers
This film checks all the essential boxes for those with a Y chromosome: slides, the mob, camo print, nihilism, and bowling. In quarantine, the SHC is channeling protagonist The Dude by testing out tribal pants, living in his robe, and convincing himself that his hair will self-clean with its natural oils. If the SHC asks you to don a severe bob and slowly say the word “vagina,” he’s thinking about Julianne Moore, not you.
WEEK 2: Punk Drunk Love (2002), PT Anderson
If an SHC decides he wants to open up to you, he will put on this frenetic PTA feature to express his emotional side. He will tell you he identifies wholeheartedly with Barry Egan (played by Adam Sandler) who is simultaneously a dorky toilet plunger salesman and capable of beating up 4 men with a tire iron. For the SHC, this is the ideal vulnerable man
WEEK 3: 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), Kubrick
Shot in a way that forces you to believe that Kubrick actually could have filmed the '69 moon landing, this trippy trans-spacial journey is consistently listed in the top 10 on IMDb and your ex's Letterboxd. The SHC’s views on data privacy are primarily driven by this film’s sentient spaceship overlord, HAL. If the SHC ever refers to anyone as HAL, you can be sure that it’s intended as a slur.
WEEK 4: Seven Samurai (1956), Kurosawa
A prime example of an SHC diving into his more masculine tendencies and desires. Loving this film could also read as masking the SHC’s obsession with Japan and/or Hentai. The SHC will incorrectly refer to the film as a "bildungsroman," but will perfectly pronounce the word courtesy of his semester abroad in Berlin.
WEEK 5: Tree of Life (2011), Malick
Known from personal experience, the SHC will pregame a date by playing the bonus features of this film in his living room. Yr boi’s been thinking a lot about his own mortality rn, and examining the origin of the world through 1950’s Texas is probably a cry for help. It won the Palme d’Or...which he will let you know at least 15 times.
WEEK 6: Pulp Fiction (1994), Tarantino
SHCs HATE to admit they love this film, but they had the poster on their freshman year wall. PF is a Catch-22: SHCs will say it’s too played out and cliche; they’ll also say that it’s too much of a masterpiece to take the time to explain. They’ll claim that their coke stories are on par with Mia Wallace overdosing and getting stabbed on her front lawn, but we all know their craziest bender involved sweating through their t-shirt in a frat basement.
WEEK 7: Nerdy Fantasy/Sci-Fi Movie from Childhood
These are the films that introduced our dear SHC to the Cinéma, thus creating a monster. Do you want wands, swords, or a beam of light that’s practically a sword? Do you want your mentor to be a dude in a grey tunic with a beard and staff, or a dude in a beige tunic with a beard and staff? The SHC may be too old to LARP, but that won’t stop them from testing out Darth Maul makeup for Halloween.
EXTRA CREDIT:
Princess Mononoke (1997), Miyazaki
Goodtime (2017), Safdie Brothers
The VVitch (2016), Eggers
Eraserhead (1977), Lynch
Comments