Christmas Day, 2003. Some children let it rip with their Beyblades (projectile spinning top toys, not Beyoncé-themed roller skates). Some, like myself (Jews), went to the movies and saw Cheaper By The Dozen, where we were introduced to the 14-person (2 adults, 12 kids) Baker Family. A few short years later in 2005, the film Yours, Mine & Ours debuted and the whopping 20-person (2 adults, 18 kids) Beardsley-North Family made their way onto the scene. With so many large families and so little time, the question begs to be answered once and for all: which family is better?
Let’s start with the parents. Tom and Kate Baker met in college. Not only did they know they were meant for each other just one hour after meeting, but they also knew they wanted eight kids together. These were definitely not the types of conversations I was having in college. The Bakers have been married for 23 years, and according to Tom at the beginning of the film they “still bring the heat” (ew, but also cute! But ew). Tom is a football coach and dad-joke machine who has trouble standing upright on moon bounces. Kate is a writer who uses a red pen to edit her manuscripts so you KNOW she means business. Regis Philbin also told her she was “yummy” (R.I.P.).
Frank Beardsley and Helen North dated in high school, but after reuniting at their high school reunion on a cruise ship (or is it, a love boat?) they decided right then and there to get married. These two, however, have a little more trouble “bringing the heat” - they have to makeout on beds at Bed, Bath & Beyond just to get some alone time. Helen is a fashion designer whose work looks as if Carrie Bradshaw tried peyote and never looked back. She named half her kids after 60’s rockers and has most likely been to Burning Man. Frank is a very intense tooth-brusher who treats his kids like cadets. He color codes bathroom schedules, is pro-spanking, and consistently falls into pools of gooey substances.
WINNERS: Tom and Kate (plus 12, not 8). Frank is okay with spanking children and Helen uses ultra suede, fake alligator skin, and blue fur in her work. Bye.
Next up, the older brothers. In one corner, we’ve got Charlie Baker - a blue-eyed, brooding brunette who's heartbroken he has to leave his quaint hometown. He loves baseball hats, football, and has a girlfriend named Beth who we don’t hear speak once (shame). He spends most of the film resenting Tom, and who can blame him? Because Tom made the family move, Charlie’s now getting bullied at school by a frosted-tipped Jared Paladecki who puts ears of corn in his locker. Charlie’s got the attitude of a sad boi with the face of an Abercrombie & Fitch model.
The Beardsley-North’s give us two offerings - the first is William Beardsley, a preppy, junior-analyst-in-the-making whose current life goal is to intern on the Hill. He is a 17-year-old who wears a Brooks Brothers button-down every single day. He most likely will be involved in a dick pic scandal later in life. His foil is Dylan North, a graffiti artist who spray paints live roses, wears tie-dye blazers, and plays the electric guitar. He’s basically if Drake Parker from Drake and Josh became obsessed with Banksy.
WINNERS: While Dylan may have the same charm as Drake Parker (and honey that is hard to deny), he is brought down by the Anthony-Weiner-incarnate that is William. Although Charlie broods for most the film, he’s saved by those baby blues, giving The Bakers the edge.
The first of the eldest Baker sisters is Nora, a 22-year-old ad exec whose trying to balance her first real job, a really hot boyfriend, and her ginormous family. Even though she’s just joined the workforce, she already knows how to rock a pantsuit. Then there’s Lorraine, the “self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene” who cannot put on lip gloss unless she is totally focused. Her life goal is to be a fashion guru. No idea what this means.
The eldest Beardsley-North daughters are Christina Beardsley and Phoebe North. Christina is a blonde, cheerleading champion who definitely wears an eye-mask to sleep. Even though she has moved many times, she ensures that J.Crew has her proper shipping information at all costs. Phoebe is a Joan-Baez wannabe who wears dangly gold earrings made from guitar picks. She probably uses a diva cup so she can help the environment. But it’s not all peace and love for Phoebe - she lies to Christina about a cute boy being a loser, and is later seen making out with him. Sneaky bitch.
WINNERS: Anything involving Hilary Duff wins.
Now onto the oft-forgotten middle children. For the Bakers, there is Henry, a clarinet-playing vomit mop whose style icon must be Samuel L. Jackson considering the amount of backwards Kangol hats he wears. Then there’s Sarah, the ultimate cool girl tomboy of the family with, according to Tom, a “dark gift” - she’s the mastermind behind all pranks (including the Boxer Meat-Soaking Disaster of 2003). Next comes Jake, a mini-skater bro who initiates a fight with a young Cody Linley and his sidekick, both of which are dressed like extras from a Ying Yang Twins video. And Mark, the oddball of the family. He has a frog named BEANS (which is odd considering BEANS FROM EVEN STEVENS IS IN THIS FILM!). He wears a bucket hat, has tiny round frame glasses, and the room he chooses at the Baker’s second home looks like a library from a haunted house. He’s kind of asking for it.
Then onto the Beardsley-North’s. From the Beardsley side, we have the sporty Kelly Beardsley (basically the Sarah), the nerdy and homesick Henry Beardsley (basically the Mark), and the unnamed other male Beardsley child who wears a Boy Scouts uniform non-stop and enjoys sharpening knives (????). The North’s provide Naoko, an aspiring filmmaker with her camera always in hand. Next is Miranda Cosgrove, I mean “Joni,” a sax-playing, wise-cracking lady who is Lisa Simpson in human-form. Jimi adds some comic relief to the family and led a choreographed song-and-dance piece that somehow the rest of the family knew automatically at one of Kelly’s soccer games. Then there’s Lau, sweet Lau, who has a passion for fashion, is a wallpaper extraordinaire, and is unfortunately prone to sea sickness. Finally, there’s Mick, who likes to bathe his pet pig in the sink.
WINNERS: This one is a tie because this group brings so much to the table. Between the memorable faces and the much-needed diversity, these middle children are anything but forgettable. You’ve got: Miranda Cosgrove, Lil JJ, Alyson Stoner, Forrest Landis (okay maybe not Forrest but he GAVE IT HIS ALL). We salute you, middle children.
Children 8 and 9 of the Baker Family are the first set of twins, Jessica and Kim. According to a sign on their door, they are both book critics? Also, at one point, Kim becomes a human dartboard. Next is Mike, whose favorite thing is to hang upside down - whether it’s from the laundry chute or off the side of a house, this child is a baby Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible. The last of the Baker brood are twins Nigel and Kyle. They’re like if Zach and Cody shrunk and were really into tracksuits.
The Beardsley-North’s also have their fair share of twins: Bina and Marisa North say everything in unison and are a little terrifying. Ely and Otter (yes, a character in this film is named OTTER), not only hijack a crane in a home goods store, but they are also open about the fact that they still pee the bed (brave). The youngest Beardsley is Ethan, the should-be face of The Children’s Factory who requests permission from his father to play. The youngest North is Aldo, who I’m guessing Helen named after the shoe company since she IS a “designer.”
WINNER: I feel like we never really got to learn about the youngest Bakers, and the adorable friendship that blooms between Aldo and Ethan is nothing short of perfection.
It’s not just about the immediate family members. Nora’s doorknob of a boyfriend, Hank, is an aspiring model/actor who irons his jeans. The last time he visited, the kids SET HIS PANTS ON FIRE. He was in ONE mouthwash commercial and now claims that paparazzi are hiding in the bushes and that’s why he can never see them. The Beardsley-North’s have their nanny, Mrs. Munion, a teeny tiny woman dressed like a fun-sized Annie Hall. She makes her own martinis, enjoys WWE, and wears pink lace floral thongs.
WINNER: Munion. She would never wear driving gloves like Hank.
The Bakers have their trusty American Bulldog, Gunner. The Beardsley-North’s have 3 dogs, a cat, a hamster who likes to hide in a saxophone, a crow (?), and a pot-bellied pig named Fiona.
WINNER: The Bakers. Who has time to take care of all of those pets on top of the kids???
With a final score of 5-3, it looks like The Bakers are our champions. Yes, The Beardsley-North’s may live in a renovated lighthouse, but the kids spend most of the film trying to break up their family. Conversely, The Bakers will drop everything in an instant to keep their family together, even if it’s because Mark ran away. With 12 being their lucky number, it’s like the Bakers were destined to be a big family. Also, Oprah knows who they are. They win.
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